Since God came into to my life
I felt like I had been majorly exfoliated
by the giant, holy loofah.
Or in other words, I felt like a new person,
a clean, wholesome, vibrant person.
And therefore, I wanted to get rid of the things
that remind me of my old person.
- What's is this? - That's my clean pee.
Gross!
There was a time really paid
for me to be able to pass a drug screening
at a moment's notice.
That gold liquid was liquid gold.
- Yeah. Toss it. - Yeah. Let's do that.
Emily's baby scrapbook.
I can't believe I didn't start this yet.
Oh, honey,
if you haven't started it by "baby's first parking ticket,"
- you're probably too late. - Yeah, but she's still my baby.
- Okay, not selling. - Hello, ladies.
Oh, hi, hon.
Listen, I forgot to tell you, my regional bosses are in town.
I have to go to dinner with them tomorrow night.
Be a little late, but it's no biggie.
You only say "no biggie" if it is a biggie.
- Is it a biggie? - I don't know.
They just want to thank me for, uh,
how well the hotel's been going.
Promotion? Raise, maybe?
- Maybe. - Wait a minute.
This is a big deal.
Why don't you bring them over here
if you want to impress them?
Come on, they probably go to restaurants all the time.
But you have the garage sale tomorrow.
Oh, pooh-pooh on the garage sale.
I mean, come on.
I already threw away my clean pee.
That's enough purging for one whole year,
come on, I would much rather play the role
of supportive wife and hostess.
You just... you have a habit of playing that role ironically.
Tom!
Needs!
More time off!
[Dishes breaking]
Ah.
[Laughs]
Yeah, that was just... That was just one lousy time.
One time, if you're not counting
the company holiday party.
I went to a company holiday party?
The great thing about this dress
is that it also seconds as a... as a tube top.
[Crowd murmuring]
And I work it, and I move it.
Yeah, but that was the old me, and this is the new me.
And the new me would like to make up for the old me
by being a wonderful, supportive wife and hostess.
I just think it might be a little too much pressure.
I mean, these are hotel people.
They're like hospitality robots.
Remember when I first got hired there,
I had to watch that hour-long video on forks?
- Mm-hmm. - Just forks.
Knives was a whole other video.
Tom, I am so not scared, okay? I am so ready for this.
I think it's really sweet, and I'll help you set up.
See that? Now I have help.
Come on. Give me a second chance.
Well, it's more like a fourth chance,
but okay.
Thank you.
Whoo!
♪ Mama gets a fourth chance ♪
♪ mama gets a fourth chance, uh, uh ♪
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -
[thunderclap]
Oh, nuts.
Oh, hey, babe.
Wow. You guys are out early.
What? There's a lot to do.
You think promotional dinners cook themselves?
Come on, I had to get a new dress,
and new China,
and new, fancy-people ingredients
to make fancy-people dinners.
Okay. See you at 6:00.
Bye, sweetie.
- Hi, honey. - Oh.
Are you really cooking,
or do you just want me to take pictures
of you with groceries and send them to grandma?
What are you talking about? I'm really cooking.
Coq au vin.
Don't be put off by that first word.
It means chicken.
Coq au vin, i know.
I watch cooking shows all the time.
I'm practically a four-star chef.
I really hope you got a nice Pinot noir.
You don't want to suffocate it with an Oaky Cab.
Anyway, I'm going to the mall with Riley.
Can I have some money for new boots?
No, you don't need new boots.
Well, you don't need new China, but you got it anyway.
What? I need new China.
I busted our old China in a drunken rage,
and you, missy, are not going to the mall.
But we really could use a four-star chef
to help with dinner.
Oh, what a wonderful idea.
And since you heard of this before I did,
about three hours ago,
when I looked it up on the Internet
under "meals to impress," why don't you be in charge?
Tell us what to do.
Jenna, you are on prep.
I want onions, garlic, carrots, celery
chopped, diced, minced, cubed, in that order.
And me?
You're going to boil water.
- Try not to burn it. - Honey, come on.
I never burnt the water. I burnt the pan.
[Knocking at door]
Oh, someone's at the door.
Oh, hi. Can I help you?
I'm here for the yard sale.
Oh, no.
You must have seen that on Craigslist
before I posted that it was canceled.
No, I didn't see it on craigslist.
I saw it in the Pennysaver.
Really?
I didn't put an ad in the Pennysaver.
It says here that you have vintage clothes
and classic DVDs.
Oh, and prayer candles.
- Today? - Yeah, it says today.
- Today. - Yes.
Well, I could come back, I guess.
Although I was annoyed that God wanted me
to go through with the yard sale,
I was quite confident I could get it all done.
No.
No?
I'll be back. Just give me a minute.
Guys, I am so sorry. Change of plans.
No, you are not getting out of boiling water.
I literally gave you one thing to do.
Well, now I have to do the garage sale, as well.
- Is it because of... - Mm-hmm.
God put an ad in the Pennysaver.
Isn't that weird?
Apparently, God places ads now.
Listen, I could really use your help.
Honey, you stay in the kitchen.
I think we were just slowing you down, anyway.
Jenna. Yeah, I got it.
Two bucks should be fine.
Two? I love this painting.
Beth, you've got a dinner. You gotta move product.
Okay. A buck, it's yours.
[Phone ringing]
Oh, no.
It's Tom.
Just take a yoga breath and try to sound casual.
Okay. [Inhales]
Hi. Hi, honey.
You wouldn't believe all the cooking that's going on here.
Great.
Well, Stephanie and Randall are excited to come over.
I just want to make sure
they'll still be excited when they come over.
Oh, what are you talking about? I got it totally under control.
You are going to be blown away.
- Excuse me. - Five?
What?
Oh, it's, um...
No, that was just Emily, asking about the sauce.
Five... five tomatoes in the sauce, you know.
Oh.
Well, uh, listen, there's... there's something
- that we didn't really cover. - Oh, let me guess.
You don't want me to talk about God.
Well, am I going to burst into flames
for asking you that?
Wh... no, no.
Of course not.
I love you. Bye.
- Fire! - I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
Bobby Flay makes it look so easy.
Hurry, it's getting bigger.
[Screams]
Oh.
My hero. Thanks, Jenna.
And the timing was perfect.
I was just about to sell this for a nickel.
You know what the problem is?
That ceiling whis too damn low.
Honey, can I just point out
that if I had been making my water,
this whole crisis would have been averted?
Right.
But wait, you're saying
God wanted your daughter to destroy your kitchen?
Oh, honey, I don't know.
He/she works in such mysterious ways,
but sometimes I feel like I'm getting
the brunt end of a bad mood.
Anyway, new plan. Uh, we've got to order in.
Why don't you go to Chez Charles,
and picked to five dinners?
Tell them to make it look like I made it.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
Just take it, and bring me back the change.
- Will do. - Hello?
Hey, we're in here.
Hey, I found something in your sale.
Oh, that's a great jacket.
I know. It's mine.
What?
No, I don't remember stealing that.
Well, my old driver's license is in the pocket.
But that doesn't prove anything.
I mean, we could have been out one night,
and then you would have handed me your driver's license,
and I would have put it in my...
No.
Yeah, no.
I was probably, like, super drunk.
I am so sorry. You know what?
Why don't you take this beautiful knife set
as an apology?
- Isn't this ours, too? - Yes, it is.
No, is it?
Huh.
Both: Beth.
Oh, wow, Jenna.
You're killing it out here.
I think this is broken.
I can hear the insides shaking around in there.
It is.
I took it out of the garbage at Tom and my old apartment
because I thought it was cute.
And then I kept it, because it reminded me of our old apartment.
Well, it must have been a special apartment.
Yeah, it was.
It was 900 square feet,
and we had sex in every single one of them.
Oh, cool. An air hockey table?
I lost one of my virginities on one of these things.
Really?
Oh, nostalgic love is in the air today, I guess.
Pete, would you like to have it?
- I'd love it. - It's free.
You can take it home to your house,
and then if Tom gets mad at me,
I'll just send him over to your house,
and you guys can play it together all you want.
- Beth, not cool. - So cool.
Sorry. Just need to move product, babe.
Have fun.
How awesome is this?
I can't believe we sold all that stuff.
Yeah. Well, except for your radio.
Apparently, people don't want things
with broken-down insides that remind other people of sex.
[Door opening]
Bon soir, mademoiselles.
Le dinner has arrived.
That smells so good.
That should have been the idea from the start.
I have change for you.
Oh, no, you didn't.
There was the cutest little shoe shop
right next door to the restaurant.
Can you imagine my luck?
I told you you weren't allowed to buy boots today.
Oh, but you bought a dress for tonight,
and I thought we were supposed to put our best outfits forward.
- You're taking them back. - I can't.
I already wore them.
Unfortunately, I would have to wait
to kick Emily's ass,
because I needed her to be able to sit down through dinner.
[Knock at door] Hello?
Oh, hello? Excuse me?
Forgot to shut the door. Hi.
Our friend told us there was a yard sale here today.
I hope we're not too late.
You are. I'm so sorry.
Ooh, honey, look.
Isn't that the exact China you showed me a picture of?
Hmm. It is.
I imagined our Thanksgiving dinners on it.
You wouldn't consider parting with yours, would you?
No. No, no, no.
Definitely... Definitely not.
- Oh... - Don't touch...
These would go perfectly with our silverware.
Mm.
Um, just hold on a second.
Would you stop telling me to sell the China?
I need it for Tom's party.
That's crazy.
What are you t...
How can I have too much stuff? I just sold most of my stuff.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Got it, got it, got it, got it.
Fine.
You know what?
You can have it. It's yours.
- Thank you. - Pay what you can.
- Thanks. - Sure.
Oh. Oh, hey, now.
What size shoe are you?
7 1/2. Why?
Because you would look great in these.
No charge.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
Is the yard sale over?
- Yes. Yes, it is. - That's a shame.
That's an amazing dress you're wearing.
I've been looking for something just like it
to wear to my friend's wedding. Where did you get it?
[Chuckles]
Mom? Where are my boots?
Oh, I gave them away.
You'll thank me when you're a good person.
So you just gave them away with everything else?
No. Everything else, I sold.
Hello? Family?
- Anybody home? - Hi.
Beth, this is Stephanie,
president of midwest operations for the chain,
and Randall, our V.P.
It stands for "very 'portant."
Beth, what a very charming home.
It really is such a treat to be here.
Nobody ever invites us into their homes on these visits.
It's almost like they're scared of us.
- Which you love. - I-I do.
I do love that.
- How about a drink? - Um, yeah, about that...
Uh...
- Beth. - Well, I tried to call you.
Where's the dining room table?
But I couldn't tell them that God sent people
to buy my China and dress
and a whole bunch of other stuff too.
I'm so sorry, guys. Here's the truth.
I was dusting, okay, with a butter knife,
and so I had a little bit of a paper towel wrapped around it,
because that's how I get into the tiny little places, you know.
And then I, uh, slipped and fell
and gouged our table.
Oh, no, I hope you didn't gouge yourself.
No, I didn't, but you should have seen.
I-it was just... I couldn't serve on it.
And this was the better option?
Mmhmm. Mm-hmm.
And you two would have agreed.
If you had seen that beautifully polished,
maple-oak zebra stripe wood in that condition,
you two would have begged to have a card table.
A gouge, repairs... What can you do?
Yeah, well, I'm sure we can manage.
Thank you so much.
And here... here's our beautiful daughter, Emily,
looking very bare in the feet.
Hello.
Hi, Emily. Nice to meet you.
I like the whole chic up top, flintstones on the bottom look.
It's very teen trendy.
Emily, where... Where are your shoes?
Ask mom.
Hey, listen, why don't you all just sit down,
make yourselves as comfortable as you possibly can?
And I'm going to go check on dinner.
I'm sure everything will be fine,
as long as nobody dropped an anvil into the souffle.
[Laughter]
Oh, Randall.
You seem like a difficult man to please.
And yet, you are going to be so pleased
by the sangria I'm about to serve you.
That is, if your taste buds are packed...
They are.
And ready to go to Spain.
[Gasps]
Okay, what the hell is going on?
Why isn't Emily wearing any shoes?
And what's the real story with the dining room table?
Because, surely, you weren't dusting.
Look, before you really freak out,
I got a really good price for it.
- You sold it? - I did.
Let me guess who gave you that idea.
Are his initials "G"?
Look, he/she told me I had to have
the garage sale today anyway, right?
And then it turned into selling stuff in the house.
Of course it did, because tonight was important to me.
No. This was a direct order.
This was like a code blue, okay?
Like a crimson tide coming in.
You see what I'm saying?
I mean, what am I supposed to do,
say "no" to God?
Yes.
Honey, he gets louder when I do that.
Honestly, Beth, you know, I'm starting to think
your whole made-up relationship with God
is just you trying to drive me away.
That's not true. No, no, no.
In fact, it's the exact opposite,
I swear.
At the very least,
this could interfere with my career.
Honey, in my defense, I did say that to God.
Here, now you hold on to those and help me serve,
and don't you worry.
- You sold the new China? - And my new dress.
Good thing they didn't want my panties.
Well, Beth, I have to say,
despite the unusual and quirky presentation,
the... the food really is delicious.
- Oh. - The fish is cooked perfectly.
And, um, what is this salad?
Um, it's just a simple beet and "ku-no-uh."
Kunouh?
Is that possibly Hawaiian for "quinoa"?
Could you please be my new mommy?
I'll have my adoption attorney call you.
Okay, fact.
I ordered the food from the best restaurant in town.
That's fine.
I just wish you'd ordered
some comfortable chairs, as well.
You know, Emily post said,
to be a great host, you should know
how to prepare two meals to perfection.
Well, I-I don't know about meals,
but the lady sure knows how to make a drink.
More sangria?
Please.
Randall, if I may,
could I ask for some fashion advice?
Oh, my God. Emily.
What do you think of this blue color?
Get your foot off the table.
Emily, this is enough. Go put some shoes on.
I can't,
because the only shoes that match this outfit,
my mom gave away.
Yeah, don't believe a word she says.
She's got plenty of boots.
She's got boots that look exactly like
the boots she gave away up in her closet.
No, I do not.
The ones in my closet are black.
The ones you gave away are brown.
Well, she needs both.
Well, brown is the new black.
Of course, it changes every year.
- Which is why you need both. - Emily doesn't need new boots.
Can we have this conversation another time?
I really resent the fact that you come here
and perpetuate some kind of myth
that my teenage daughter needs whatever she wants,
whenever she wants it.
Well, I resent the fact that I have to sit
on this stone slab of a chair
watching a dinner theater production
of "death of a promotion."
Well, then, take the pole out, Randall.
Exactly.
You know, have we learned nothing from Honey Boo Boo?
All Honey Boo Boo has is a chicken and a coupon,
and yet, she's happy and she's grateful.
She has done more with her smile and her laughter
in the world than you will ever do
with your fancy fork, Randall.
You are so hypocritical, mom!
You didn't give away the table and the China
and your nice, fancy dress
because you were inspired by Honey Boo Boo
or because you want to be a better person.
No.
Why don't you tell everyone here why you really did it?
I...
- I don't know what you mean. - Oh, you don't?
Well, Honey Boo Boo doesn't lie.
[Sighs]
God told me to.
[Laughs]
[Soft applause]
She's crazy. Yay.
Honey, we should probably go too. I'm not feeling...
Beth, did God tell you to sell your stuff?
Um...
Yes.
God has a different version of what I need than I do.
Well, now you know how Emily feels.
Well, not really,
because I think I need my China to serve you on
more than Emily needs boots.
Why? To impress our sorry asses?
[Laughs]
The almighty sure is a crack-up, isn't he?
Oh, man, he/she cracks me up all the time.
Did you always talk to God?
No, no. Only since I've been sober.
Let me tell you something. I always talk to God.
At church, at home, when the browns are losing...
Which means I talk to him a lot.
Let me tell you something.
We were remodeling one of our hotels,
and I found out that each Chandelier cost $40,000.
$40,000. It made me sick.
I mean, I literally threw up.
Remember, I was throwing up in your car?
I said, "Lord, please tell me what to do."
And then I knew.
I looked and I found Chandeliers just as good
for less than half the price,
and our company donated the difference to charity.
- Wow. - Girl, I haven't thrown up since.
- [Laughs] Amen. - My car never recovered.
- Thanks for sharing. - It's still not enough.
But you have given me quite a lot to think about,
so thank you, Beth.
Please, tell me we don't have to keep thinking about this.
I was hoping that a nice, hot shower
and a sleeping pill and something on Bravo
would take this whole nightmare away from me.
- Beth, do we have dessert? - Oh, yeah, we have a pie.
Oh, I sold it.
I think we have some ice cream in the freezer, if that'll work.
- That'll work. - I'm in.
As painful as most of that was,
that was actually our best dinner party yet.
Stephanie loved you.
- What's not to love? - Wait a second.
Is this the radio from our old sex apartment?
It is.
That brings back a lot of memories, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
It's the only thing that didn't sell at the garage sale.
Apparently, people don't like to buy broken things,
and apparently, God is really attached to our old apartment.
That is so hot.
[Knocking at door] Hey, you guys.
I realize I was a brat,
and I just wanted to say I'm really sorry
if I ruined your dinner party,
and I hope you get that promotion, dad.
Wha... Is this my...
Is this my baby book?
Oh, honey, I'll get to it, I promise.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I had no idea there were this many pictures
of me as a baby.
[Laughs]
Oh, my God, I was so cute,
I can't even stand it.
Oh!
♪ A long time ago, a million years b.C. ♪
♪ the best things in life were absolutely free ♪
[Laughs]
♪ But no one appreciated
♪ a sky that was always blue ♪
You know when people ask, "if your house caught fire,
what would you try to save?"
I used to think I'd grab the photo albums,
or my mother's jewelry that she gave me,
or those loafers I love that they don't make anymore.
But God has taught me that, as much fun as stuff can be...
- Oh! - Yes!
And as good as a new outfit can make you feel,
the things worth holding on to aren't the ones you bought,
but the ones you love.
♪ For every time it rains
♪ it rains pennies from heaven ♪
♪ there'll be pennies from heaven ♪
♪ for you and me ♪
Oh. [Laughs]
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -